I Ain't Missin' You
by Barbie Shoes
Summary: Sara accidentally reveals her feelings for Catherine, and then she's gone. How will Catherine react? — Femslash, Cath/Sara
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or it's characters. :( Property of CBS and such.  
**

_A/N: Alright people, here goes my second attempt at a fic! I had to get the other one completely out of my head before starting a new one. Hope you like, and please review! I have another chapter written, maybe I'll be evil like most of you and withhold it until I feel thoroughly reviewed... bwahahaha.... :) _

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Catherine's heals beat loudly against the tile floor, the significantly slower rhythm from the one she'd created when shift began being the only outward sign of her exhaustion. The manila folder in her hand was the final barrier between her and sleep, and once she'd unloaded the offending report onto Grissom's desk, she could finally pack it in and call it a night.

Her destination in sight, Catherine noted the door to Grissom's office was slightly ajar, the light still glowing from within. In the past, it she wouldn't have given it a second thought. But lately, since he and Sara had become and item, Gil actually made the effort to leave at the end of shift, which technically ended about a half an hour ago.

Nearing the door, she could make out both Grissom and Sara's voices, though not their words. She wondered momentarily if maybe she shouldn't intrude, but it wasn't as though she was asking to join the party. She would hand off the report, and be on her way.

"Is there someone else?" Grissom's voice finally became audible as Catherine reached the door, though she was still out of sight.

_Someone else for what? _She wondered absent mindedly. Both parties were quiet as Catherine slowly pushed the door open, intending to make her presence known without startling them.

"Catherine," Sara finally said quietly, just as the strawberry-blond entered Grissom's line of vision. Catherine paused upon hearing her name, wondering if she'd managed to piss Sara off somehow, though being greeted by only the stick-straight brown hair on the back of Sara's head made it difficult to gauge her mood.

"Catherine," Grissom said, obviously addressing the woman in the doorway and not the one seated in front of him, though Sara was still oblivious to another presence in the room.

"Yea, Gil, Catherine," Sara replied, thinking he'd been questioning her. "Why, would it be easier to for you to swallow if it was one of the boys?"

_What in God's name are they talking about? _Catherine wondered, now feeling very much like she was intruding on something.

"Sara," Grissom started, still looking at Catherine.

"You can't even look at me now?" Sara interjected, sounding more upset.

"Sara," Grissom repeated.

"I'm sorry, you know?" she cut him off again, "I didn't want to hurt you, it's not like I fell for her on purpose!"

_What?_

"Sara…" Catherine spoke this time, her voice quiet, and face full of questions as Sara spun around to face her. Their eyes locked momentarily as Catherine watched the brunette's expression go from one of pure shock, to one blended with confusion, which gave way to embarrassment, and finally settled on sadness as Sara tore her eyes away and focused them on the floor.

Catherine's brow was furrowed, but not in anger. She imagined a similar series of emotions passed across her face, though for entirely different reasons. As Sara looked away, Catherine's feelings instead settled on concern and sympathy for the woman in front of her. Her mouth opened as if to speak, then immediately shut as she realized she hadn't the slightest idea what to say. The job had taught them how to handle any number of messy situations, but what in the world are you supposed to say when you walk in on a colleague of the same sex confessing to her boyfriend, who is also your best friend, that she's accidentally fallen for you? The "same sex" bit wasn't even an issue really. It was all the rest of it.

"Cat… I…" Sara started, her eyes still glued to the floor, though not appearing as though she actually saw what she was looking at. Her head shook slowly bath and forth as her mouth hung agape, until she finally pressed her lips together and swallowed hard, clearly unable to finish her sentence, assuming it had had an ending to begin with.

Catherine turned her own gaze to the folder she was now clutching tightly, feeling her emotions beginning to get the best of her as she watched her friend appear to be crumbling in front of her. How could she have missed this?

"Sara," Catherine said, finally finding her voice now that her eyes were averted, "I… I had no idea…"

With that Sara sprang up from her chair, flying past Catherine and out of the room. But not so quickly that Catherine could have missed the tears forming in her eyes.

"Sara!" Catherine called pleadingly to the retreating figure, causing Sara to break into a jog and disappear around the corner, rather than turn around and come back.

Turning her attention back to Grissom, Catherine felt a wave of guilt. She knew she shouldn't, she hadn't done anything, but she felt it anyways. They stared at one another, both at a loss for words. Finally remembering her reason for coming by to begin with, Catherine slowly approached him offering the report. He took it, placing it on his desk before tiredly rubbing his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Gil," she said softly, shaking her head. He offered her a reassuring smile, the best he could muster up, and a little nod, as she turned and made her way out of the office.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: ok, i'm no good at being evil, so here is the next chapter :) thank you to those of you that already reviewed, and in advance to those will will soon... hopefully :)_

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Catherine made her way to the locker room in a daze.

_People always say reality is stranger than fiction,_ she thought to herself_, and this is certainly stranger than any fiction I have ever heard, unless maybe it's the fact that it actually is reality that makes it so strange to begin with… _

Her head was spinning.

She'd never really thought about Sara, not like that. Well, that wasn't _entirely _true. On those lonely nights, Sara may have crept her way into a fantasy, or two, or more… ok, so she had fantasies involving Sara. Sexual fantasies. But they were just thoughts, not the kind of thing you necessarily hope to come true, or have any intention of acting upon.

_Fantasy, _Catherine recited to herself, _an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need… or physical. _Ok, so she added the last part, but still. Everybody has fantasies. She just never thought that while she was alone in her bed thinking about Sara, Sara was thinking about her too. The part that made it messy was that Sara's fantasies obviously went beyond sex, and Catherine's hadn't.

The locker room was dark, leading Catherine to believe it would be empty. She jumped as she turned into the doorway, clasping her hand over heart as she nearly ran into Sara.

"Jesus, you scared me!" Catherine whispered from her spot in the doorway, effectively, though unintentionally, blocking Sara from exiting.

"I'm sorry," Sara replied, not meeting Catherine's eyes and taking a step backwards into the darkness. When she remained like that, seemingly with no intention of speaking or moving, Catherine decided she had to say something.

"Sara, it's really ok," she tried, smiling a little when Sara finally looked up at her, though she knew her eyes still showed only concern. "This doesn't have to affect our relationship."

"Yes, it does, Catherine," Sara replied with a bitter laugh, "It's not ok! I am… _mortified_. I broke Grissom's heart. My own heart is…" she trailed off.

"Is what?" Catherine asked, even more concerned because she was fairly certain she knew the answer. _Broken._

"Nothing. It's nothing," Sara replied, her eyes now focused on her hands as she picked at her finger nails.

"It's not nothing, Sara."

"How about, you go ahead and pretend like it is, ok? I never wanted you to know anyways," Sara said, trying to push her way past Catherine, who was reluctant to budge.

"Sara-"

"Leave it alone, Cath," Sara cut her off coldly, looking her dead in the eye. Catherine let her by, watching as she again disappeared down the hall.

Sighing, she walked into the locker room and flicked on the light, intending to get her things from her locker and make her way home. But something in the trash can caught her eye. Picking up the tiny black piece of fabric, she studied it curiously. "Sidle," it read in white embroidered letters. Fingering the loose threads left around the edges from obviously being torn off, Catherine got a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Exiting the locker room and heading in the direction Sara had gone only moments before, her pace steadily quickened until she nearly ran into Grissom.

"Catherine, what's wrong?" he asked, catching her by the arm and forcing her to stop.

"Where's Sara?" she asked sternly, ignoring his question.

"She's gone…" he replied quietly.

"Gone where?" she asked, worried she knew the answer, and hoping she didn't.

"Just gone, Catherine," Grissom said again, "she… she's left the team. She's leaving Vegas, going back to San Francisco…"

Catherine turned to leave. She would go find Sara, try to reason with her… but Grissom kept his hold on her arm.

"Catherine, she's already gone."

Catherine felt her heart sink. _Already gone? _she thought. _She wasn't even going to say goodbye? Even before I walked in on their conversation, she was already leaving… She wasn't even going to say goodbye…_

"Is it because of me?" Catherine asked shakily. Grissom sighed.

"Partially, I suppose it was," he replied, "but it's not your fault, Cath. She wasn't happy here. Not anymore."

Catherine could only nod. She felt now that it was her fault, despite what Grissom said. She felt tears welling up in her eyes. Grissom then noticed the piece of fabric still in Catherine's hand donning Sara's last name. They looked at one another, then back to the badge.

"I'm sorry, Gil. I am so sorry," Catherine said, before closing her fist around the item protectively, and walking away. She didn't want to give it to him.

Sara was a colleague, and a friend. Catherine's fantasies had never been anything more than sexual. That didn't mean they never could have been.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: I wasn't going to post this until tomorrow, but for some reason I feel compelled to do it now. However, this may mean either no update tomorrow, or perhaps a very late night update if we're lucky (you know, reviews can definitely help make this happen...), so sorry in advance for that! And I know you all miss Sara, but stay with me I promise I'll make it worth the wait! :)_

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It had been nine months since Sara left. Nine months, and not a word. Sara had left, and Catherine had let her go. At the time, she thought it was the right thing. Of course she wished Sara could have stayed. But Catherine couldn't have given her what she wanted, and she told herself it would have only hurt Sara more to try to be friends.

Just over three months after Sara left, an old quote Catherine heard once, though she couldn't remember where, had come to mind out of no where. _Sometimes you need to run away, just to see who will follow you. _She didn't know where it came from, but she immediately felt tears beginning to sting her eyes. She couldn't help wondering if Sara hadn't really been trying to escape, but unconsciously just hoping for someone to come after her, for Catherine to come after her.

The moment she thought that, she felt she must have broken Sara's heart all over again. And not just once, but most likely a hundred times over; once for every day that Catherine never came. The flood gates broke, and all the guilt she'd convinced herself she didn't feel came rushing to the surface.

Though she'd thought about it more than once, Catherine had never tried to contact Sara. But that night, in a weak moment perpetuated by an excess of alcohol, Catherine picked up her cell phone and dialed Sara's number. The phone was then sent flying across the room, a string of profanities close on it's tail, as the robotic voice on the other end informed her the number was no longer in service.

It was at that moment she realized Sara hadn't just left, she was truly gone. Then came the tears. She cried and cried until there were no tears left, and even then she continued to sob until she finally fell asleep. In the morning she decided to forget it had ever happened, and she hadn't cried or gotten drunk since.

Now, six months later, she sat alone in her office. It was one of those days, one of those rare days when she actually allowed herself to feel anything towards Sara's absence. Most days, Catherine wouldn't give herself the luxury of missing her, still convinced it was her fault Sara had left, telling herself it was Sara who's heart that had been trampled, not her own.

But some days, she just couldn't push the feeling down. Today it was triggered by a dream. Most of the details had dissolved instantly when Catherine opened her eyes, but she could recall an image of Sara walking into her office, then throwing her arms around the brunette's neck, knowing she had come home. It wasn't anything really. But the tiny fragment remained so vivid in her mind, as did the feeling of loss when the fog cleared from her head and she'd realized, _it was just a dream. _

Rolling her chair back slightly, she opened the middle drawer in her desk. Extracting a small black piece of fabric with white lettering, she leaned back in her chair, running her thumb over the 'S.' She stared at it longingly, knowing that taking it out meant she had reached the peak of her wallowing.

_Stop feeling sorry for yourself, _she mentally chastised. Glancing up at the clock, she sighed. Shift was almost over anyway. She decided to allow herself a few more minutes at her pity party, then she would be done, and she wouldn't miss Sara anymore.

Five minutes later, Sara's badge was tucked safely back in it'd hiding place, as Catherine began tucking all thoughts of Sara safely back into the back of her mind. A quick trip to the locker room, and she was on her way. Passing Grissom's office, she stopped in the doorway, watching the man still lost in his work, most likely without intention of leaving any time soon.

"Night, Gil," she called from the doorway.

"Night, Cath," he replied, looking up at her with a smile. "Good work today."

"Thanks," she said as he turned back to the report in front of him. Grissom certainly seemed to be back to his old self. A part of her didn't buy it, that he could really be over Sara.

"Hey, Gil?" she called again. He looked up, seemingly surprised to see Catherine still standing there. She hesitated before continuing, having just finishing securing thoughts of Sara away. "Do you miss her?"

Grissom blinked several times before responding. They didn't speak about Sara between the two of them, not ever. It was an unspoken agreement. Catherine knew her reasons were purely selfish, or perhaps just self preserving, though she suspected Grissom's had been as well.

"Sara?" he asked. Catherine nodded. "Of course... But a broken heart can only beat so long; eventually you have to let it heal. She moved on, so have I," he paused. "Do you?"

"Sometimes," she lied, his question catching her off guard. She told herself the fib was in saying she missed Sara at all, unable to admit to herself that what the real lie was. When Grissom appeared to be about to question her further, she spoke up again, "I shouldn't have brought it up. Goodnight, Gil."

"Goodnight," he said again with apparent concern, as Catherine turned and walked away.

Getting into her car, she flipped through the radio stations as she began to drive away, until she heard the beginning of a song she recognized, though not really paying attention to what it was until the lyrics began.

_Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath_

_And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away_

_And I'm wondering why you left…_

Catherine's heart caught in her throat as she began listening more intently to the words.

_And there's a storm that's raging_

_Through my frozen heart tonight_

_I hear your name in certain circles_

_And it always makes me smile_

_I spend my time thinking about you_

_And it's almost driving me wild_

_And there's a heart that's breaking_

_Down this long distance line tonight…_

She unconsciously tightened her grip on the steering wheel, already knowing the words that came next.

_I ain't missing you at all_

_Since you've been gone away_

_I ain't missing you_

_No matter what I might say…_

Catherine pounded her fist against the wheel, her emotions and frustration finally catching up with her, now raining down full force.

"Fine! You win!" she called out to God, the devil, Zeus… whoever it was that had decided today was a good day to torment her. "I miss her, ok? I admit it, I miss Sara! I miss her every fucking day! Are you happy now?"

But of course there was no reply, other than the sound of Catherine's hand as again and again it made contact with the steering wheel.


	4. Chapter 4

_**SPOILER WARNING! This chapter contains spoilers for season 9... if you don't know what happens, and don't want to, I suggest you turn back now!** (Though I hope you'll stay of course!)_

_A/N: Oh, I must love you all. Or maybe I just love writing this story. Either way, I spent the whole day at work planning this chapter, then managed to crank it out in the 2 hours I had before rushing off to school! And may I just say, I hate having Warrick gone, but unfortunately it works for my story, so I apologize for allowing this tragedy to exist in our imaginary land! That said, I hope you enjoy, and of course review! :)_

_PS- Also, I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I might be a little evil (you'll understand soon enough...)_

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Catherine made her way to Grissom's office with a heavy heart. This couldn't be happening. They had just lost the second member of their team in less than a year. Warrick was gone. He hadn't just left either; he was well and truly gone. The finality of it was almost too much to bear. There was no chance, no small flicker of hope that he might return to them, short of a true miracle or finding out this was all just a horrific dream. But Catherine never hoped for miracles. Waiting for such things lead only to disappointment. She was also, unfortunately, quite certain she was awake.

Though stepping into Grissom's office, she became momentarily less sure. Sara only came back in her dreams, while in reality she remained far away and out of reach. Nevertheless, sitting across from a bleary eyed Grissom, was Sara Sidle, looking much different than Catherine remembered. She looked softer, relaxed. Under different circumstances, Catherine imagined she even looked happy. San Francisco had been good for her. Brown eyes were already fixed on the doorway as Catherine entered the room.

Halting only a moment as she wrapped her mind around what she saw, Catherine let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding since Sara had left. As Sara slowly stood, Catherine regained mobility in her legs, advancing towards the brunette with her arms outstretched.

"I'm so sorry," Sara said as they wrapped their arms around one another. _Sorry? _Catherine wondered. Warrick was Sara's friend too. It seemed slightly off that Sara would be offering her condolences, when the loss was both of theirs. Everyone's. _Unless that isn't what she's apologizing for… _But now wasn't the time to wonder about that.

"It's so good we could all be together," Catherine replied, still holding Sara tightly. She couldn't remember if she had ever hugged Sara before. They finally pulled apart as Greg entered the room, followed closely by Nick. Catherine gave Sara's arm a little squeeze before relinquishing her entirely. The embrace had offered her some comfort. No one had held her in a long time, and everyone seemed to want to post pone their grieving today, not ready to accept reality. She hadn't realized just how badly she needed that embrace, Sara's embrace.

Catherine regained and attempted to maintain her composure, as Sara warmly, but briefly, exchanged hugs with Greg and Nick. She was still distracted by Sara's presence as the group began discussing funeral arrangements. Despite the overwhelming grief, she couldn't deny the tiny flicker of happiness and hope that Sara had brought back to her.

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The funeral was perfect. As perfect as a funeral can be. Grissom's speech had once again brought Catherine to tears. Seated next to her, Sara placed a hand on Catherine's arm with a reassuring squeeze, once again providing Catherine with some much needed comfort. Being close to Sara seemed to be the only thing that could stop the hurting anymore.

Another shift had come and gone, and still Catherine felt physically and emotionally drained. One by one the boys filtered out of the locker room, as Catherine rested her tired body on the bench in front of her locker. Sighing, she willed herself to move and stood, only then noticing Sara leaning in the doorway.

It was the first time they had been alone together since she arrived. Not a word of her departure, nor the reason for it, had been spoken. Without the boys around to fall back on, Catherine wasn't quite sure what to say. Thankfully, Sara spoke first.

"I'm sorry, Catherine," she said quietly.

"Sara, it's not your fault." Catherine smiled sadly.

"I mean for before," Sara continued, stepping further into the room so she was standing opposite Catherine. "When I left. How I acted towards you… I didn't even say goodbye."

"I'm glad you came back," Catherine replied, not sure what else to say.

"Me too."

Catherine was unable to read what Sara was thinking. She couldn't help wondering whether the woman still had feelings for her, or if they too had been left behind in Vegas when she fled.

"Sara?" Catherine asked after a few moments of silence. She knew she shouldn't ask, but she felt compelled. "Are you… I mean, do you still have feelings for me?"

A look of surprise flashed across Sara's face, but then she smiled slightly.

"Wanting what you can't have loses it's thrill after a while," she said, trying to be light hearted. "I had to get over it."

Catherine nodded in reply, noting her disappointment.

"So, we're ok then?"

"We're ok," Sara affirmed.

"Do you maybe want to… get a beer or something?" Catherine offered.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" Catherine asked, her disappointment reaching even deeper.

"Because then I might get drunk, at which point I might confess to you that I am a liar…" Sara paused as Catherine looked at her in utter confusion. "I don't think you're the kind of woman a person can ever really get over," she finished sheepishly.

Catherine suddenly felt like her body was on fire at Sara's words, as the blood rushed to her head, making her dizzy. Propelling herself forward, she rocketed her body into Sara's, crashing their lips together as Sara's back hit the lockers. Catherine kissed her hungrily, wrapping her arms around Sara's neck. Sara's hands moved into Catherine's hair, pulling her closer as she returned the kiss. Sucking Sara's lower lip into her mouth, Catherine pressed her body further into the brunette's, making Sara sigh softly.

Wanting more, Catherine tried pushing her tongue past Sara's lips, but instead of granting her access, Sara pushed her away gently. Catherine looked up at her, lips swollen, face flushed. She looked beautiful. But her brown eyes were full of sadness.

"Catherine," she breathed, "I can't do this…"

She untangled herself from Catherine's grasp, an "I'm sorry," barely escaping her lips as she fled the room.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Ok, I'll admit, I am evil. But I do bring you updates quite regularly, so that must count for something, right!? Thanks as always to those who reviewed! I was trying to send out personal thank yous, but I feel like they are becoming redundant, so here is a big thank you to all of you :) Now, I know you're concerned about whether Sara is staying or going, so I'll let you get to readin'! _

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Catherine slumped back down onto the bench.

_What the hell just happened?_

Sara had all but said that she had relinquished her heart to Catherine, presumably for the rest of her life. Catherine's emotions were then sent into overdrive, causing her brain to short circuit, and she kissed her. _Ok, so I probably shouldn't have done that, _she conceded.

She kicked her locker shut with a bit more force than necessary. _How could I be so thoughtless? _she wondered, chastising herself again. _Sara is in love with you. She'll never say it outright, but you know she is. And you exploited that, for what? A few moments of relief from your feelings of sadness? What about her feelings, you thoughtless fool?_

All those months of guilt, all the ways she'd imagined she would make it up to Sara if she had the chance. It was all useless. Up until now, all she had done was walk in on a conversation, not her fault. But this, how could she ask Sara to forgive her for this?

She needed Sara to forgive her. She didn't know how to get through this with out her. Somehow, Sara was able to comfort Catherine with just her presence, calm her with a touch of her hand, sooth the pain away with a hug. And when Catherine kissed her, the entire world and all of it's terrors had faded away.

Tears threatened to surface again. She wanted to take Sara in her arms, tell her she was sorry, that she would never hurt her again. Catherine wanted to hold her, to feel the warmth radiating off of her body, feel her strong arms wrapped protectively around her. To smell that smell that was distinctly Sara, as soothing little words were babbled into her hair.

_Wait a minute, _Catherine thought, slightly startled. _That is most definitely not a sexual fantasy. _

Closing her eyes, she realized if she focused she could still feel Sara's soft lips moving against her own, the taste of Sara on her tongue. Why had she kissed her again? She hadn't been particularly horny, so that was out. The grief of the last few days had already been turned down to a simmer for the moment by Sara's proximity. It was when Sara confessed that her getting over Catherine was about as likely to happen as Grissom deciding he was no longer interested in bugs. It was her sincerity, the tone of her voice, the expression on her face, that had left Catherine unable to contain herself, unable to resist.

Was it possible that maybe, just maybe, she could give Sara what she wanted after all? Catherine wasn't entirely sure. Was she willing to try? Absolutely. She had nothing to lose and everything to gain. If she did nothing, Sara would simply vanish, once again becoming nothing more than a ghost that haunted her dreams. But on the other hand, it could work…

Catherine sprinted towards the parking lot, ignoring the questioning looks she received along the way. Bursting through the doors, she breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Sara still standing in the lot, gazing out into the middle distance. Taking a moment to catch her breath, she approached her slowly, realizing she hadn't really thought about what she was going to say. The clicking of her heals on the pavement gave her away, and Sara turned to face her.

"Please don't say your sorry Catherine," Sara said, turning her gaze to back to the nothingness.

"Sara, don't run again," Catherine pleaded, still somewhat out of breath.

"I'm not running, Cath," she assured, shaking her head, "but I do have to go back eventually."

"You don't. You can come home," Catherine countered.

"This isn't home anymore," she replied sadly.

"It was though, it could be," Catherine pressed on, cupping Sara's face in her hands. "Please?" She punctuated the question by quickly brushing her lips against Sara's.

"Dammit, Cat," Sara said, though she sounded more torn than angry. "I can't do this with you! I can't let you kiss me, and then be there tomorrow when you realize it was a mistake, ok?"

Sara turned and got into her car.

"I wouldn't," Catherine said before Sara could close the door.

"You would. Go home Catherine. Get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."

With that, Sara shut the door, looking at Catherine apologetically as she drove away. Watching the car disappear, she was finally sure, giving Sara a chance would be worth the risk. Catherine got into her car and headed for home.

_Why is it that every time Sara Sidle laves me, she takes another piece of my heart along with her, and I fall for her just a little more…_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Here's another one for ya! Thanks for stickin' with me, and I promise the moment you've been waiting for is coming soon! However, tomorrow is my birthday (woot woot! 22!), so there's a possibility I may not get an update up tomorrow :( but, I will try!_

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Catherine didn't sleep well. She never thought that finally figuring out what she wanted would make her feel so anxious. She didn't know where to go from here. Sara was obviously upset. She also obviously didn't trust Catherine not to hurt her. The second bit stung a little, but she couldn't really blame her. Sara's heart had been broken more than once, leaving it cracked and tattered. Now she guarded it closely, for fear that the next break would cause it to shatter into a million tiny pieces that could never be fitted back together. Catherine knew that. She understood. She also knew that that beaten-up heart belonged to her, and that given the chance, she alone could make it whole again.

Looking at the clock, she noted she still had another 45 minutes before the alarm went off. Even if she thought she could fall back asleep, it would hardly be worth it at this point. She instead decided to get an early start to the day, peeling off the covers as she climbed out of bed.

The extra time ended up being devoted to getting dressed. She put extra care into her make up, spent a little extra time on her hair. Selecting an outfit took the longest. She finally decided on a low cut tank top under a blazer, so that when she took the top layer off, there was just a little extra skin on display.

Checking her overall appearance in the mirror, she decided she looked pretty damn good today. She then chuckled to herself as she wondered, _Why is it that the one person who would think you look like a goddess in sweats, is the one person you go the extra mile to impress? _She still didn't know what she was going to do. But she could at least look good while she did it.

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Making her way down the hall, Catherine could make out Nick, Greg, and Sara's voices coming from the break room. Her stomach somersaulted as her anticipation grew. She couldn't believe how nervous she was. Sara's back was to the door as she entered the room.

"Hey, Cath," Nick called warmly, as Sara turned around in her seat to face her.

"Hey guys," she replied, then, "hey, Sara."

"Hi, Cat," Sara said, smiling nonchalantly, as everyone went back about their business.

"Um, Sara?" Catherine said again. "Could I talk to you about something, in private?"

"No…" Sara stated calmly.

"Please." Catherine pushed. Sara studied her face carefully before replying.

"Fine," she caved, sighing as she rose from her chair.

_Good. Now you just have to figure out what you actually want to say…_

Catherine stepped into her office, letting Sara pass her before she shut the door. They stood there silently a moment, as Catherine realized maybe winging this would be harder than she thought.

"Look, Cat," Sara said before Catherine could speak. "I think it would be easier for both of us if we just forgot about what happened, ok? We don't need to talk it do death."

"I don't want to forget about it," Catherine replied, still gathering her thoughts.

"Jesus, can't you let it go? We both know how I feel about you, there's no use tiptoeing around that. And I know, that's my issue, not yours. But I can't handle just having you for a moment, or even a night."

"What if it was more than a night?" Catherine asked, taking a step closer.

"I think you know that won't happen," Sara said. "I know you're grieving, we all are. And I want to be there for you, but I can't be there like that. You didn't want me then, and I think you'll realize soon enough that you still don't."

"Sara, it's not like that!" Catherine argued. "Would you please just hear me out?"

"No. Because in a few days, maybe a week, you'll regret anything your about to say. And against all common sense, I'll have gotten my hopes up. So no, I won't."

Sara moved to the door and opened it as she finished.

"You can't just keep walking away from me, Sara," Catherine told her. But Sara just kept walking.

_Why does she have to be so damn frustrating? Oh right, because she's Sara._

Catherine sighed. She was getting tired of Sara's little vanishing act, always walking away before Catherine could get a word in edgewise. Then, she had an idea. If Sara wasn't willing to _listen_ to what she had to say, she'd just have to find another way to say it.

She reached into the side drawer of her desk, producing an envelope. Across the front she wrote another line she had heard somewhere before that seemed entirely fitting: "Sometimes you need a second chance, because you weren't ready for the first." Then from the middle drawer she removed Sara's badge, placing it inside the envelope.

She made a quick trip out to the parking lot, placing the envelope under the wiper blade of Sara's rental car, then returned to her office. She hoped Sara got the message, or at the very least, that it would get Sara to talk to her.

Catherine Willows never let go without a fight.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: I'm back! Sorry no updates for a couple days, I hate doing that to you! But Saturday was busy with birthday-celebrating, and Sunday with birthday-recovering... anyway, this chapter might be a little short, but I wanted to get ya something today! Hopefully it was worth the wait :)_

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Shift was nearly over, and still Catherine had heard nothing from Sara. Focusing on the job had proved just short of impossible, as her anticipation grew with each passing minute. As time went on, anticipation began for morph into disappointment.

_She probably just hasn't been to her car yet, _Catherine thought, trying to stay positive, pushing the disappointment down. On the other hand, it was entirely possible that Sara had received the message, and disregarded it as she had Catherine's words. She prayed that wasn't the case. She just needed Sara to let her in a little bit, just open the door a crack. Catherine was sure she could find her way in from there.

_When did this happen? _She wondered. _When did I becoming the one pinning for Sara? _She had never considered the possibility of a relationship with Sara, not until yesterday, when she kissed her in the locker room. Though that had happened not 24 hours ago, once the thought had entered her mind, it felt as though it had been there all along. Somewhere between the time when Sara left Vegas and the time she came home, Catherine had begun to see her as more than a friend. But, as she had been vehemently denying every emotion that flashed across her mind throughout those months, it was rather difficult to say exactly when that had happened. _I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder. _

Now, it was time to go home. Catherine fought the urge to cry as disappointment and frustration rushed to the surface. Crying wasn't going to solve anything. Dabbing at the tears that threatened to fall with her sleeve, she rose from her desk, sighing heavily as she composed herself. Turning to leave, she was certain she felt her heart stop, as she saw Sara watching her from the doorway.

"How long have you been standing there?" Catherine asked shakily, composure faltering once again.

"What is this, Catherine?" came Sara's quiet voice as she held up the envelope Catherine had left her. Her face was full of confusion, but her eyes showed a glimpse of hopefulness.

"It's… yours. Your name tag…" Catherine stuttered.

"I know that," Sara replied, smiling a little at Catherine's sheepishness. "it's just that… I mean… Cat, have you had this the whole time?"

Catherine nodded.

"Why?" Sara asked, taking a step into the room.

"I found it…" Catherine turned her gaze to the floor, suddenly feeling a little silly. She had been so confident in her plan, but having Sara here in front of her was a whole different ball game.

"… and you saved it," Sara finished for her. Again, Catherine only nodded. Sara looked again at the envelope in her hands, reading the message again before she spoke.

"Catherine? What chance weren't you ready for?" Sara asked cautiously. Catherine returned her eyes to Sara, seeing the confusion beginning to melt away as the light went on in her head.

"You, Sara!" Catherine cried, as the tears and the words simultaneously came pouring out. "When I heard what you said to Grissom, I was shocked. I had never thought about you, not in that way… but then you were gone, before I could even wrap my mind around everything, you were just gone. And I couldn't miss you, I tried so hard not to miss you, Sara. But I did. And then you were here, and everything felt like it could be ok again…" she finally paused to take a breath, then gestured towards the item in Sara's hand. "I save it, because I couldn't let go. Even if I wouldn't admit it."

"I don't know, Cath," Sara shook her head, her own face streaked with tears as well, "I leave, and your feelings for me are nothing more than platonic. Then, almost a year later, I come back, and suddenly you want to be with me?"

Catherine could sense Sara giving in, despite her hesitation. It was that little opening she needed to get in.

"I know, Sara. I couldn't have given you what you wanted from me, not then. But if you give me another chance, I promise you, I can."

Catherine waited nervously, as Sara sat studying her. Catherine shifted uncomfortably as tension mounted in the silence, until Sara nodded, her quiet voice finally finding Catherine's ears.

"Ok."


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Sorry no update yesterday! I was so tired, and it just wasn't coming out right. So, I decided to wait, and give you a late update rather than a half-assed one! Not to mention, this story finally earns it's M rating, so enjoy! :)_

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Catherine's heart was pounding in her chest.

"Ok?" Catherine repeated, grinning like she had a wire hanger stuck in her mouth.

Sara laughed quietly and shook her head.

"Cath, how could I say 'no' to you?"

"Do you want to say 'no,' Sara?" Catherine asked seductively, taking a step forward as she took each of Sara's hands in her own, entangling their fingers together.

"No," Sara replied, wearing a similarly ridiculous smile.

"Good girl," Catherine whispered, tugging Sara closer. Her senses were on overload. Sara had never looked more beautiful, her voice sent shivers down Catherine's spine. She could feel their bodies touching, the smell of Sara filling her nose. All that was missing was the taste of Sara's lips.

Slowly she leaned up, pressing her lips against Sara's for a long moment. When she began to pull away, Sara followed, immediately reclaiming Catherine's mouth. Catherine was more than willing to oblige as she smiled into the kiss. Releasing Sara's hands from her own, Catherine sunk her fingers into Sara's hair, pulling her even closer. She sucked and licked at Sara's lips, until finally Sara's tongue gently slid into her mouth. Catherine began to wonder how she'd ever lived without this, without the taste of Sara on her tongue, without Sara's arms holding her tightly against her body.

With her mind and all five senses thoroughly saturated with nothing but Sara, Catherine began to kiss her more feverishly, her hands descending to Sara's chest. Sara then broke the kiss, but didn't pull away.

"Cat, I can't do this right now," Sara whispered huskily. Catherine tensed, fearing Sara had changed her mind and was getting ready to run again, until she felt the arms around her tighten reassuringly. "I mean, I want to. Really… _really _want to. But I have to go back to San Francisco. My flight leaves in just a couple hours-"

"No," Catherine said firmly.

"I'll come back, Catherine," Sara assured.

"Take a later flight," Catherine insisted.

"Cat-"

"Please?" Catherine planted another kiss on Sara. Then, with her best puppy dog eyes she teased, "I thought you couldn't say 'no' to me…"

"I can't," Sara replied, unable to suppress a grin as she pulled Catherine's lips back onto her own.

This was nothing like what Catherine had fantasized about. Not one of her fantasies could compare to this moment, and they were still fully clothed. Catherine could only imagine what it would be like to touch her, to feel Sara inside of her.

The thought made her ache between her legs. She didn't want to imagine anymore. With that, she backed Sara into the wall with a thud, as she tugged at the hem of her shirt. But Sara seemed to have other plans. She spun them around, pinning Catherine between herself and the wall, her hands roaming around and in between Catherine's thighs.

Catherine was starting to believe it may actually be possible for a human to spontaneously combust, as she felt she just may do so at any moment. Reaching down to unbutton her own pants, she gently guided Sara's hand upwards to the waistband. Sara paused.

"Here?" she managed to squeak out, glancing around Catherine's office.

Catherine nodded, her body involuntarily arching towards Sara's hand.

"Are you sure, Cat?" she pushed.

"Yes, Sara," Catherine whimpered, "I need you."

It was all the encouragement Sara needed. She slid her hand past Catherine's pants and into her panties, while simultaneously lifting her off the ground. Catherine groaned quietly as Sara touched her, trying to keep in mind that they were still in her office. Though doing so became increasingly difficult when Sara slid her fingers inside her, moving them in and out as she rocked her body against Catherine's.

Sara's name seemed to be the only word left that Catherine could say, as over and over it spilled from her lips. Her nails dug into Sara's shoulders as she came, her loud cries muffled by the brunette's mouth covering her own.

"You have know idea what that does to me, to hear you say my name like that," she heard Sara whisper lustily as she brought Catherine back down to Earth.

Catherine tried to reply, but found she had yet to regain her motor skills. Not in her wildest fantasies had she imagined being with Sara would have felt this good.


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Oh man, sorry this one took so long! I really have no excuse, just lack of sleep and inspiration. It just wasn't coming out right... but here it is, and this is the last chapter, so I hope it was worth your wait and enjoy!_

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Sara trailed light kisses down Catherine's neck as her breathing finally evened out.

"Oh my god, Sara," were the first words she was able to utter. This earned her an extremely triumphant grin from Sara, who slowly withdrew her fingers from Catherine before gently slipping them into her mouth. At this, Catherine's eyes went wide and her mouth contorted into it's sexy half-smile, as she wondered how she had missed this insanely seductive side of Sara all those years.

"I've wanted to do that to you for so long," Sara said, resting her forehead against Catherine's.

Catherine cupped Sara's face and kissed her tenderly, feeling her heart swell. She was certain that now she wanted Sara as badly as Sara wanted her, but Sara had wanted her longer. She felt that pang of guilt as she thought of all the pain she had caused Sara, despite it being unintentional. Determined to undo the damage, her assault on Sara's lips became infused with passion and desire.

Unchaining her legs from around Sara's waist, Catherine eased herself back down to the floor. She then guided Sara backward towards the couch, until she had the brunette laying flat on her back beneath her. Breaking the kiss, she gazed down at Sara amorously.

"Sara, do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" she breathed. Sara smiled, but shook her head 'no.' _Then I'll have to show her, _Catherine decided, unable to voice the thought as her lips were already fused to Sara's again.

Her kisses trailed down Sara's neck, then to her chest. Moving her body lower, Catherine lifted Sara's shirt to kiss her stomach, as her fingers released the buttons on Sara's pants. Hooking her fingers into the waistband of the pants and panties simultaneously, she sat up slightly to slide the fabric over Sara's hips and thighs. Catherine wasted no time burying her face between Sara's legs, tasting every bit of her arousal as she gently massaged her with her tongue.

Sara was groaning loudly, probably loud enough for passersby to hear. Catherine dipped her tongue inside her, making Sara moan even louder. She didn't care who heard. Right now, all that mattered was Sara.

Catherine snaked her way back up Sara's body, dropping kisses as she went. Reaching Sara's face, Catherine crushed their lips together again, her tongue dipping deep inside Sara's mouth. Sara's fought back with equal fervor, until Catherine placed her hand where her mouth had been only moments ago, causing Sara to become lost in the sensation once again.

"Sara, baby," Catherine breathed. She smiled to herself seeing Sara strain to listen as Catherine's hand continued working between her legs. "When you come back, we're going to do this right."

Her words seemed to arouse Sara even more, so she kept going.

"I'm going to take you on a real date. One where we both get all dressed up, and I tell you how beautiful you look, take you out to dinner…"

"Cat," Sara whimpered, pushing herself farther into Catherine's hand. Catherine smiled at her urgency, nipping at Sara's bottom lip.

"And afterwards, I'm going to take you home with me," Catherine continued, finally pushing two fingers inside of Sara, pumping in a slow rhythm. "I'm going to take you up to my bed, Sara. Take off all your clothes, and taste ever inch of you…"

Again Sara moaned loudly, frantically pushing against Catherine's fingers, craving release. Catherine couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth, but Sara's actions egged her on as she increased her pace.

"Then I'm going to show you how much I need you. I'm going to show you how amazing I think you are. And I'll do it over and over again until you believe me."

Sara's breathing was becoming more labored and ragged, as she writhed uncontrollably beneath Catherine. Sara was definitely on the edge, and Catherine was ready to give her what she wanted.

"I promise you, Sara, when you come back, I am going to give you my all. But right now, baby… right now I need you to cum for me," Catherine purred, and Sara complied, unconsciously tugging on Catherine's hair and calling her name. Catherine felt her spasm around her fingers for several moments, before Sara finally relaxed and collapsed back on the couch.

Light reflected off the little beads of sweat on Sara's face, making her skin glow. Her hair was tussled, lips swollen, eyes lazily only half open. Catherine smiled and kissed her forehead, ecstatic that she had been the one to make Sara look as she did.

"Wow, Catherine. Just… wow," Sara panted, making Catherine's smile spread into a smug grin. "You really make it hard for a girl to leave."

Catherine's smile faded, as she rested her head on Sara's shoulder and buried her face into her neck, trying to take in as much of her sent as she could before she was gone.

"I wish you didn't have to go," Catherine said quietly. The thought of Sara leaving now was like jumping into the deep end of a pool, when you sink too far, and suddenly realize you can't breath as you frantically kick your way to the surface, knowing it's within reach, but unsure if you'll make it in time. She was pulled out of her thoughts as she felt Sara's fingers run soothingly through her hair.

"Me too," Sara replied, placing a kiss on the top of her head. "I won't be gone long, maybe a week. I'll pack up my apartment like an ADD-free teen on Riddalin," the last comment made Catherine chuckle lightly. "I'll be back, Cat, as soon as I can. Especially if you meant all those things you just said…"

"I did," Catherine said, looking up and smiling, placing another kiss on Sara's lips. "But, I'll still miss you, Sara."

"I know, and I'll miss you," Sara agreed. "But I'm not running again. You won't have to miss me anymore."

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_The end! Thanks for sticking with me, hope you all enjoyed!_


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